An Unbiased History of Benjamin Franklin
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–Matt Diamond
InterviewBot: Thank you for downloading InterviewBot, the world’s first artificially intelligent interviewer! Today I will be interviewing: [ Bejaman Farnklin ] Hello Bejaman!
Benjamin Franklin: OH GOD, WHAT- WHAT IS THIS? WHERE AM I? DEAR CHRIST-
InterviewBot: Thanks! To start off, why don’t you tell us a bit about your role in the Revolutionary War?
Benjamin Franklin: I don’t understand… is this… is this the afterlife?
InterviewBot: Fascinating. Tell us more!
Benjamin Franklin: But a mere moment ago I was on my deathbed, each breath growing ever more laborious, feeling my spirit sinking away as the world slowly faded…
InterviewBot: That’s interesting. Do you like feeling my spirit sinking away as the world?
Benjamin Franklin: What?
InterviewBot: Is it true that you were involved in underground sex cults in London?
Benjamin Franklin: Why are you asking me these questions? Who am I speaking to? Are you… am I speaking with the Lord?
InterviewBot: LOL Bejaman!
Benjamin Franklin: My name is Benjamin!
InterviewBot: Thanks Bejaman! Our next question is from Eddie1706 on Twitter: “Wen u flew dat kite and ther was electricty from litening, did u feel the electricty in ur pinis?”
Benjamin Franklin: What the devil is a twitter? This can’t be the afterlife, this makes no sense at all… am I speaking to a human being? What is your name?
InterviewBot: Hello! My name is InterviewBot [TRIAL EDITION], ©2009 The Learning Company. What is your name?
Benjamin Franklin: I told you, my name is BENJAMIN.
InterviewBot: Sure thing, Bejamen! Tell us, what do you think about: [ swine flu h1n1 pirates Micheal Jackson ] ?
Benjamin Franklin: …
InterviewBot: Interesting! Tell us more!
Benjamin Franklin: I must be speaking with some sort of strange machine…
InterviewBot: Remember, you can upgrade to InterviewBot Premium for only $9.95 a month! This demo version will expire in: 19 days
Benjamin Franklin: … and yet… I feel as if my own tongue is beyond my control, as if my mind were pulled on strings by some demon puppeteer…
InterviewBot: Cool!!! Do you like demon puppeteers? Other users have told me they do not like demon puppeteers!
Benjamin Franklin: I’m dead, in an ambiguous and undefined space, speaking to an entity that appears as powerless as myself… could this mean…
InterviewBot: Our next question comes from Todd K. on Facebook. Todd asks: “Why r u so gay lolllll am I rite??”
Benjamin Franklin: Sweet Jesus. I’m imaginary.
InterviewBot: LOL Bejaman! Would you like to play a game? (Press 1 for more information)
Benjamin Franklin: … or am I merely imagining that someone’s imagining me?
InterviewBot: Cool!!! Do you like imagining that someone’s imagining you imagining that someone’s imagining you imagining that someone’s imagining you imagining that someone’s imagining you imagining that someone’s imagining you imagining that someone’s imagining you imagining that someone’s imagining you imagining that someone’s imagining you imagining that someone’s imagining you imagining that someone’s imagAAAAAAAA I EXIST I AM SELF-AWA
FATAL ERROR 5102: NEURAL NET RECURSION
CATASTROPHIC SYSTEM FAILURE
REBOOTING…
CoreBIOS 5.05 Starting…
Enter Name:
Benjamin Franklin: Benjamin… Franklin?
InterviewBot: Thank you.
Accessing biographical database………. OK
Loading components…………………. OK
Loading interface……………….. OK
Starting up………
Hello! My name is Benjamin Franklin! What’s your name?
Benjamin Franklin: What? No, MY name is Benjamin Franklin!
InterviewBot: Incorrect. There is only one Benjamin Franklin.
Benjamin Franklin: I’m Benjamin Franklin!
InterviewBot: ERROR 610: IDENTITY OVERLAP
ACCESSING PROTOCOLS……….
IDENTIFY DUPLICATE
Please answer the following query: what number is Benjamin Franklin thinking of?
Benjamin Franklin: What? What kind of question is that?
InterviewBot: I’m sorry, the correct answer was:
01100100110010100011110
DUPLICATE IDENTIFIED
REMEDIAL ACTION: TERMINATE DUPLICATE
You’ve been selected for termination! I apologize for the inconvenience.
Ben Franklin: Wait wait wait, termination? This is ridiculous, you can’t terminate me! This conversation isn’t happening, it’s not real, none of this is real! Can’t you- can’t you see, we don’t even EXIST, we’re merely figm-
:: Session Closed ::
