The Future of the Future
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–Matt Diamond
Ever since the discovery of “the future,” mankind has sought to understand the nature of this enigmatic construct. One of the most significant attempts came in the form of Nostradamus’s magnum opus, So Here’s What’s Gonna Happen; other prominent predictions of the future can be found in the sci-fi films of the Cold War era, the writings of Jules Verne and H.G. Wells, and the popular cartoon series The Jetsons, which gave millions of middle-class Americans the hope of one day owning their very own robotic maid.
However, one element is notably absent from the aforementioned works: predictions of future predictions. Of course, such a recursive calculation is incredibly complex. However, if we restrict ourselves to predictions of future predictions that themselves do not involve predictions of future predictions, we find ourselves with a manageable, finite task. After consulting the literature and running countless non-linear dynamical system simulations, I have arrived at a number of predictions of future predictions, the content of which I have outlined below. Note that the following predictions are inherently unstable and their reliability degrades severely as the timeline progresses; do not attempt to use these as the basis for any plans, investments, or iCal schedules.
Predictions in 2020
Colors: green is out, red is in.
Female president will be elected soon.
Government financing of Twitter will run out; pandemonium will ensue.
Automobiles will be completely replaced by Segways.
The sleeved blanket craze will die out sometime this decade.
Predictions in 2030
Colors: red is out, yellow is in.
Hillary Clinton will be elected to third term, due to current war in Republic of Google.
US Pledge of Allegiance will be reduced down to 140 characters.
Segways will be completely replaced by hang-gliders.
The sleeved blanket craze will die out sometime this decade.
Predictions in 2040
Colors: yellow is out, polka dot is in.
United States will be ruled by bionically enhanced dictator Liza Minelli.
Vowels will be outlawed; already frowned upon in academic circles.
Hang-gliders will be completely replaced by rocket-powered unicycles.
The sleeved blanket craze will die out sometime this decade.
Predictions in 2050
Colors: polka dot is out, transparent is in.
United States will wage war of independence against its Canadian masters.
Somebody will rebuild the Internet… maybe.
Unicycles will be completely replaced by walking.
The sleeved blanket craze will die out sometime this decade.
Predictions in 2060
Colors: unnecessary.
Global Snuggie Alliance will face unrest from Anti-Blanket guerillas.
The Internet: What Was That All About? will become required reading in college history courses.
Walking will be completely replaced by not going anywhere.
The sleeveless blanket craze will die out sometime this decade.
