Dear Whoever is in Charge of Wisconsin,
Thank you for your interest in the Jersey Devil Franchise. The Jersey Devil is a highly successful national franchise, currently located in at least five major wooded areas. This informational packet contains all the instructions you’ll need to host your very own Wisconsin Jersey Devil. Please read this document carefully; failure to follow proper procedures can lead to unfortunate devil-related consequences. We personally suggest reading this document at least two to three times a day for the first three weeks, preferably while in a standing position.
(Warning: Do not read this document while showering, unless it has been properly laminated.)
SECTION ONE: BACKGROUND
In this modern age, many American states are sorely lacking in folklore. The Great Plains once had its share of Native American ghosts, but most of them have moved on to the casino industry. Bigfoot has dropped off the radar in recent years, as giant hairy ape-like creatures have become increasingly passé. The Southeastern United States has some creature called the “skunk ape,” which is really a poor excuse for a mythical beast. And what the hell is a jackalope? Come on now.
The Jersey Devil, however, remains a shining example of quality local legend. While the stories of his birth vary wildly, it is generally agreed that somebody in the 18th century was a really bad mother. Descriptions of the Jersey Devil also vary, with descriptions ranging from “hoofed flying demon” to “sinister hoofed flying demon.” While this might lead one to believe that the Jersey Devil is half-man and half-horse, he is in fact only 37% horse. It should be noted, however, that this is still a decent amount of horse.
SECTION TWO: SPAWNING YOUR DEVIL
Included with this informational packet is a cryogenically frozen man/horse hybrid demon embryo. Do not attempt to remove the embryo from the triple-locked sealed container until ready for implantation. Do not attempt to store the embryo in a different container, such as an empty coke bottle with the cap on really tight. Products such as these are not suited for transporting industrial-strength evil, though a Mountain Dew bottle will get you pretty close.
When selecting a host mother for implantation, the following points should be kept in mind:
- The host mother should be relatively young, but not too young. Also, not too old. Maybe 25. That seems like a good age, I guess.
- The host mother should have a sturdy uterus. Very sturdy. I’m talking like “Bob Vila built this uterus” sturdy.
- The host mother should not be allergic to Satan.
- No fat chicks.
SECTION THREE: MAINTAINING YOUR DEVIL
Upon being born, the Jersey Devil will mostly likely emit a soul-shattering banshee scream and fly off into the night. However, this demon spawn of Lucifer still requires your assistance for optimal operation, especially in the first few weeks of life. While the Jersey Devil’s primary food is despair, it would be wise to provide it with a few cows or sheep for nourishment. Do not attempt to feed the Jersey Devil “vegetarian options” such as salad. The Jersey Devil does not like salad. The Jersey Devil doesn’t even like Caesar salad, which is a real shame, because how can you hate Caesar salad? It’s so simple and delicious.
Try to provide the Jersey Devil with positive encouragement whenever possible. For example:
- “Great job killing that livestock!”
- “Sweet ambiguous footprints!
- “Nice swooping action! Those rural schoolchildren sure learned the meaning of fear!”
Note: While the Jersey Devil needs some attention, he does not appreciate late night phone calls. Do not wake the Jersey Devil up at 3 AM with trivial concerns regarding your job and/or marriage. The Jersey Devil does not care. The Jersey Devil has his own problems to worry about. This may seem somewhat heartless, but keep in mind that the Jersey Devil is 37% horse.
SECTION FOUR: MULTI-DEVIL ARRANGEMENTS
While one Jersey Devil is normally sufficient for sustaining proper levels of folklore, some states may choose to host multiple Jersey Devils. If you choose to do so, please observe the following guidelines to avoid potentially deadly conflicts:
- Provide sufficient habitat for each Jersey Devil, and ensure that these habitats are at least five nautical miles apart (note: 1 nautical mile = 0.998383 geographical miles).
- Avoid referring to the Jersey Devils numerically (Jersey Devil #1, Jersey Devil #2, etc.) as this may insinuate a hierarchy and arouse jealousy. A suggested alternative is Greek lettering (Jersey Devil Alpha, Jersey Devil Beta, etc.), since the Jersey Devil does not know what this means. You can also just give them names, like “Bob” or “Jeffrey.” Do not name any of them “Otis,” because nobody wants to be called that.
- If two Devils happen to attack the same person at the same time, credit should be given to whichever one was scarier, according to the victim. If the victim was a goat or something, then whatever.
You might ask why we chose to specify distance in nautical miles, since that doesn’t seem applicable in this context. You might also ask something else. Either way, we can’t hear your questions because we’re not actually talking to you. This is a document.
SECTION FIVE: REFUNDS AND EXCHANGES
If you’re not 100% satisfied with your Jersey Devil, you may send it back to us for a refund. All refunds are in the form of Jersey Shore boardwalk tickets. The exact number may vary, but it will most likely be enough for at least three or four cool stickers. It will not be enough for a toaster or a remote controlled car. You’ll have to buy these yourself, Wisconsin.
SECTION SIX: DETRITUS
Here is a sampling of words that may have been deleted in the course of typing this document:
or may not
SECTION SEVEN: GOODBYE
This is the end, Whoever is in Charge of Wisconsin. This is not the end in general, but just the end of this document. We don’t know much about the general End; we’re not really into apocalyptic predictions. I mean, did you hear about that Mayan Calendar stuff? Total bullcrap. Some people need to find a hobby, seriously. Anyway, goodbye.
The Jersey Devil Franchising Team